But for Grace…

The topic of Grace has been harder to journal about than Hope. Why is that? Last night I pondered, “Why is grace sometimes so difficult to accept?”

I mean really, who doesn’t want a valuable gift that has cost them absolutely nothing? I’m sure the difficulty of it is tied to selfish pride and arrogance for the most part. But for me, it comes back again to the deep knowledge of my unworthiness of such goodness.

Oh for crying out loud! Again with the guilt and shame. I think there’s a deeply rooted wrong motive in all of us to believe we have some part, some merit in God’s acceptance of us. It is truly beyond our non-Divine minds and natures that such a magnificent benefit would be lavished on the vilest offender at the moment they believe and recognize that Jesus is the only One who can save them. I’m reminded of the thieves crucified with Christ. I don’t know the details of their crimes, but they were condemned to die, so it was pretty serious. One of them obviously experienced belief and revelation of the power of Jesus as he was suffering and he asked Jesus to remember him (the ‘guilty as charged’ one) when He (the blameless one) comes into His kingdom. And Jesus does what He came to do — “to seek and save the lost,” while they are both dying! I wonder if they could look at each other’s faces as Jesus responds, “Truly, truly I tell you…today you will be with Me in Paradise.”

It’s no different for me. If I die today I will be with Jesus in Paradise, because 45 years ago I cried out, “Jesus I don’t want or need anything else but you! Please save me!”

And I believe Jesus replied, “You have me. I am here and I will meet your every need.”

And He has. It has always mystified me how my faith seemed stronger at age 15 than at age 60. Maybe because at fifteen I had not yet made some regrettable choices that would cause me shame. Up to that point I had mostly wrestled with doubt. But later in my teens I did a couple of things that I am grievously ashamed of. I still can’t openly talk about them, though I’ve confessed them to the Lord and I’m confident I have received His forgiveness. His forgiveness and grace are all that really matter in this situation. The shock and shame it would cause my family is what still haunts me. I think also the knowledge that I was just a breath away from a darkness that would have consumed and ruined me and others still staggers my consciousness. And you know what? It was Grace that stopped it! I say that because the very moment I put myself in a place of great danger, I was overcome by such overwhelming revulsion I was physically unable to proceed down that path. You know what? That was grace! That is the only reason the worst outcome didn’t happen. I belonged to Jesus and I was “playing with fire.” He pulled me away and overwhelmed me with that “Grace that taught My Heart To Fear” — to recognize the snare I had foolishly stepped right into. But, I was His and He was having none of it.

As if to say, “Oh no you don’t Satan! This one is Mine and you can’t have her.”

Let me interject here that even if I had continued down that road and suffered much worse consequences, the grace of Jesus would still have been mine. His grace is “greater than all our sin.”

Do you ever wonder if one day we will be shown the supernatural battles that have been fought over our souls? Did the angels suck in their breath and shout in dismay as I foolishly wandered too close to the Enemy? Did they look to the Mighty Warrior and anticipate a command to charge to my rescue?

Had my loved ones been aware of what was happening, they certainly would have been disappointed and ashamed of me. My parents would have “grounded me for Life,” as teens are known to exaggerate a deserved consequence for a foolish action. Worse (to me) they would have to live with the memory of my actions for the rest of their lives. Which is why I’ve never told anyone in my family about it. They aren’t Jesus. It would break their hearts too deeply.

Will I ever tell? That depends on whether or not Jesus would have me do so. In the meantime, I rest in this grace that has covered my shame. A grace I certainly don’t deserve. To try and assure family who may be reading this, I didn’t commit a crime, but things certainly could have led to that had Jesus not intervened.

I know that there are many Christians that wrestle with regret and shame. Our knowledge of our bad decisions and our rescue from them is always with us. How blessed will be that day, when like our Savior even the memories of such things will be erased. But, in the meantime, we live with this precious, holy and sacred grace even when it is a painful reminder of what it cost Him. This deep ache that relentlessly reminds us of a long-healed wound that almost destroyed us, were it not for grace.

I love these lyrics from “Before the Throne of God Above”

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the Sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God, the Just, is satisfied

to look on Him and pardon me

to look on Him and Pardon me.

One with Himself I cannot die!

My soul is purchased by His blood!

My life is hid with Christ on high

With Christ my savior and my God

With Christ my Savior and my God.